State of the (Dis)Union

Because, you know that you want to read my highly intelligent comments about the State of the Union … in live time. Italics equals what the pols really mean. Bold comments are my thoughts. I’m blogging with a headache, so this might not be as funny as originally intended.

• Nancy Pelosi introduces President — Bush, you big fucking loser! Na, na, na! 
• Pelosi thought balloon: Can I punch this Dick sitting beside me?
• “Decisions are hard and courage is needed.” — And obviously, I am not the right man for the job, seeing how I have the IQ of a chimp.
• “I congratulate the Democratic majority.” — Fuckers! How in the hell did you take control?
• “Spend their money wisely …” — Because you libtards are tax and spend morons. You should learn to charge, charge, charge! After all, everyone likes Chinese food, right?

WTF? How in the hell can we balance the budget without raising taxes? Eliminate the deficit in the next five years? How? Where’s the beef?

• We passed the every child left behind act … and we’re pretending that students are doing better. Who really gives a shit about the poor, stupid kids anyways?
• But, let’s give them vouchers. Because private schools are always the answer. Who cares if the elitist kids will make the lives of the poor kids a living hell.
• I is a compassionate conservative.
• What the hell is with John Boehner’s bright green tie? Damn, but that’s distracting. I’m going to misprounounce something any minute now because I can’t take my eyes off that tie.

Can I barf yet? Where are the specifics? Can he back up any of this?

• Well, every health decision should be between a person and her doctor … except abortion, of course.
• Oh, those damn illegals! Let’s take a lesson from Berlin and build a wall! (Okay, sorry if that is distasteful)
• Drug smugglers! Terrorists! Criminals! An Evil Trifecta! Maybe I need to whip out my cape and start fighting crime.
• Right after I dip some bread in that melting pot of fondue cheese.
• Foreign oil is evil … unless it comes from my buddies in Saudi Arabi.
• Clean coal! Woot! Picking up some midwestern votes for my Republican buddies there.
• And maybe we can make some french fries in that biodiesel fuel?

Can he be serious? 20 percent reduction in gasoline use over the next ten years? A good idea, but how? Gas prices are sitting at less than $2/gallon here. How will he compel people to drive less? What about those evil SUVs?

• Because you know that I’m eventually going to call for more oil drilling in the States.

Did he just say GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE? Holy Shit! Words that I never thought a Bushie would ever say.

• Yes, I am a warmonger!
• Terrorists suck.
• Terrorists suck.
• They will steal our liberty.
• Terrorists suck.
• Terrorists suck.

At the sake of getting in trouble here … hasn’t the Patriot Act also helped to steal some of our liberty? Although I do agree that terrorists suck.

• I’m gonna open a can of whoop ass on those terrorists!
• And let’s go build us some nations …
• Elections are good (unless your name is Al Gore)
• NATO rocks!
• Damn, this speech is getting long. Where’s that spitoon? I’m going to start drooling soon.

I just don’t want to say too much about Iraq. Is it really the best policy to throw more troops at the problem? And how in the hell can we expect this new democracy to fend for itself so soon? Ugh. Note to self: Don’t ever go to war without a plan to actually WIN the damn war.

Okay, I am for eradicating AIDS in Africa … and for battling malaria.

You know the speech is getting long. The Coach has just started to snore. (8:56 p.m.)

What the hell? Why is Baby Einstein a part of this long ass speech?

Email update: Just received from a friend (8:57 p.m.) — “Well, at least we know he still can’t say nuclear.”

• The State of the Union is strong. I mean, weak. I mean, strong. Hell, I am so confused. (9:03 p.m.)

And now for the crazy pundits! Time to watch my tape of Veronica Mars.